starsandsea (![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png)
starsandsea) wrote2017-06-02 08:07 pm
starsandsea) wrote2017-06-02 08:07 pm
Fic: The Middle-Earth Adventure
Title: The Middle-Earth Adventure
Rating: PG
Characters: Batman, Superman, Various Tolkien Characters
Word Count: 4916
Author's Note: A mash up of The Lego Batman Movie and a potential Lego Middle-Earth, written for (and posted a little early!)mithen's birthday! I hope you have a great day! :)
It was quiet. And dark. And darkly quiet. All the things that he, Batman, loved best. Just he, the dark and-
"Hi Batman!"
“WHOWAZAA!" He spun around, ready to fight, prepared to face ANYTHING- "Oh. It's you." He muttered, and scowled at the flying idiot. The flying, grinning idiot. Who had just flown into his cave. Disturbing the dark. The quiet. All the things he loved best.
"Hi!" It waved again. Batman ignored it. He had better things to do. Like brood. On the darkness. On the-
"Superman! Hi! What are you doing here? Is there an emergency? Have they broken out of the Phantom Zone again? Do you need us to help? We can do that! Right, padre?"
Nightwing, formerly Robin, his adopted son, popped out from nowhere, beaming at the flying idiot. At least, Batman thought with a shudder, he had changed costumes now. That hideous costume still gave him nightmares. Glittering capes! SO UNCOOL.
The flying idiot and his son were happily chattering away to each other, of course, ruining the quiet. The silence. The darkness. Ruining his brooding. Really, how was one supposed to brood PROPERLY when they were both here, CHATTING.
"-so that's why I'm going to Middle-Earth!" The flying idiot had just finished saying, and Batman swung to look at him.
"Middle-Earth? Really? What are you going to do, fly to Mount Doom?" He sneered.
The flying idiot just smiled at him. "I was just letting you know so you don't miss me?"
"Miss you? Why would I miss YOU?"
"So you'll come with me, then?" The flying idiot beamed.
"-darn it," Batman muttered.
*****
“Why did we have to come here?” Batman demanded. The fortress was white. And cold. And FAR too white. There were no COOL shadows to lurk in.
“BLAH BLAH BLAH” The flying idiot said, saying something about how the fortress was a place where “cosmic alignments” met and other nonsense. All Batman knew was that it was stupid, and JUST the sort of the thing that the flying idiot would have. Really.
“So all we need to do is-” The flying idiot was saying, but Batman wasn’t listening, because it was all TOTALLY ridiculous and he hadn’t even been able to listen to his SICK BEATS since the flying idiot had just grabbed him and-
“-and align this to Middle-Earth and-”
There was a flash of blinding light and then-
“I WILL KILL YOU!!!!” Batman yelled, as he and the flying idiot were hurled through a kaleidoscope of flaming colours and- was that singing??? But not AWESOME songs, like HIS SICK BEATS, but like angels or some other stupid mystical things and-
And then they were in Middle-Earth.
*****
“Are you feeling better?” The flying idiot was clearly trying to be sympathetic, but he could see his smugness.
“Shut up. This is all your fault.” Batman replied. If the flying, LYING idiot hadn’t grabbed him none of this would have happened. Though he was pleased that he had managed to hurl all over the flying idiots shining red boots. Served him right. Batman was the awesomest.
“Well, if you are, we should start looking for-” And there he went again, acting as if he, Batman, should CARE about any of this stuff.
At least there were some shadows here. But not awesome shadows. Everything was GREEN, just GREEN, EVERYWHERE.
It was more sickening than the stupid portal.
“-the Shire, and-”
The flying idiot was still talking, and was even looking around as if this was an awesome place. Which, really, just showed what an idiot he was.
“Oh!” The flying idiot interrupted himself. “I can see Hobbits!” And then he darted away, waving and shouting hello.
“What an idiot.” Batman grumbled.
*****
The Hobbits, apparently, had organised a welcome party for them, because they knew that they were “great heroes” (COMPLETELY CORRECT) of the “big folk”, and that was the sort of thing they did, the flying idiot claimed. But what did HE know, clearly there was some nefarious purpose behind this, and he, BATMAN, the WORLD'S GREATEST DETECTIVE would figure it out.
After, you know, he had eaten some of the food, because really, it was DELICIOUS and almost as good as Alfred’s and-
The flying idiot was smiling at him.
Batman scowled back, then spied a hobbit looking nervous and secretive, and IT WAS CLEARLY PLOTTING SOMETHING.
“WHOWAZAA!” He yelled, and tackled it. (But carefully, of course, it was only small, after all.)
“AHHHHH?” It yelled, then looked confused.
“Yeah, that’s right! You’d better scream! Who are you hiding from, huh? WHAT ARE YOU PLANNING?” He, Batman, was the awesomest and COULD FIND OUT ANY CRIME, ANYWHERE.
“Ahhhh?” It said again. “I was only- *GASP* THE SACKVILLE-BAGGINS! LET ME GO, PLEASE, I HAVE TO HIDE FROM THEM!”
“WHOWAZAA!” Batman yelled again, let the hobbit go and turned to look for this villain, this “SACKVILLE-BAGGINS”-
Only to find two more hobbits looking around, suspiciously.
“I say, you haven’t seen Bilbo Baggins anywhere around here, have you?” One of them asked.
Batman stared. He was an AWESOME CREATURE OF THE NIGHT. He didn’t have to answer hobbits questions, the whole thing was stupid and ridiculous and WHERE WAS THE FLYING IDIOT WHEN YOU NEEDED HIM.
So he drew up his cape, so it covered the bare part of his face, and tip-toed away.
*****
Apparently the flying idiot hadn’t even brought them to the RIGHT PART of Middle-Earth. No, they NOW HAD TO JOURNEY ACROSS ALL OF IT. Which just made this whole thing even more stupid.
At least the flying idiot had the grace to look abashed, when he learned that. Really, HE, Batman, wouldn’t have made this STUPID mistake, and what did he care that they got to the see The Shire, and the Hobbits, that the flying idiot cooed over?
(Even if they were small and cute, and reminded him of when Dick was Robin and-)
At least the flying idiot could fly, and cut down their journey time. But it would have been SO MUCH cooler if they had used the Scuttler. They could have listened to his SICK BEATS then, instead of him being forced to listen to the flying idiot going on and on and on...
EVENTUALLY, they came to a river, which the flying idiot landed at. Batman glared at him, unimpressed. Really, why was he stopping here, there was nothing-
“Halt, and identify yourselves!”
“WHOWAZAA!” He jumped, grabbed his batarangs, prepared to fling them (super accurately, of course).
Two Elves (ELVES, REALLY???) had emerged from trees on the other side of the river. One was dressed in blue and the other in white, and both had bows and arrows pointed right at them.
Which just went to prove that Elves were stupid. Really, who EVEN USED bows and arrows anymore? And didn’t they know that Superman was invulnerable? And he was BATMAN.
Of course, the flying idiot raised his hands and smiled at them. Probably charmingly. Stupid Super Charm.
“Hi! I’m Superman, and this is my friend Batman!” He called across.
The Elves looked suspicious (good for them, maybe they weren't completely stupid after all) and muttered to themselves in ELVISH, really. Pffft.
“Prove it!” The one in white called, and the one in blue loosed her arrow. RIGHT AT HIM! THE FLYING IDIOT WAS THE ONE WHO WAS SUPPOSED TO PROVE WHO HE WAS, EVERYONE KNEW WHO BATMAN WAS!!!!
He dodged it, of course. Because he was BATMAN.
The flying idiot didn't even try to help. Not that he even needed him to, and would have told him so, LOUDLY, if he had tried to help.
The Elves muttered together again, then the one in blue said they could cross the river.
URGH. He didn’t want to go to some stupid Elvish paradise, he just wanted this whole STUPID mission to be over, so he could go back to the dark and quiet and-
But, of course, the flying idiot didn’t agree. And now they had to go to Rivendell.
What a stupid name.
*****
The two Elves escorted them there, otherwise they would have got lost, or so they said.
Um, he was BATMAN. He NEVER got lost.
(At least not with ‘Puter to tell him where to go.)
And that didn’t even answer the question of WHO WAS GUARDING THE ELVISH PARADISE IF THE GUARDS WERE ESCORTING THEM????
Elves were idiots, clearly.
The flying idiot, of course, asked their names. The one in blue (who had ALMOST SHOT HIM) was called Arwen and the one in white (how IMPRACTICAL) was called Aredhel, Arwen’s great-great aunt.
Elves were SO confusing.
Anyway, they went to Rivendell, blah blah blah, the flying idiot was instantly happy and cooing over how PRETTY it was, and there were ELVES, everywhere, and they were SINGING, ALL THE TIME.
Maybe he would show them his SICK BEATS, so they could see what REAL music was.
Arwen and Aredhel went to get Elrond, the Lord of Rivendell, so he could tell them blah blah blah, wait here, blah blah blah, don’t touch anything, blah blah blah.
The flying idiot just nodded. Batman sighed. How long had this mission even been? And they STILL had half of Middle-Earth to go.
At least there were lots of places he could practice his AWESOME grappling skills here. If only the flying idiot wouldn’t object and squawk and URGH.
SO UNCOOL.
They waited, he in sullen silence, the flying idiot still cooing at everything.
But then-
“OH MY GOSH, OH MY GOSH!”
“WHOWAZAA!” He leaped, prepared for anything that made the flying idiot shout-
Only to find ANOTHER elf. Only this one had a HORSE.
“OH MY GOSH!” The flying idiot yelled again. “Excuse me. I’m so sorry, but are you... are you... Lord Glorfindel?” He asked the elf, and he was ACTUALLY FLOATING.
He was FANBOYING, Batman realised, with utter disgust.
The elf nodded, looked amused. The flying idiot was practically starry-eyed with wonder.
“And you are Superman and Batman, I presume?” He asked, and honestly, the flying idiot looked like he might EXPLODE. Just because “Lord Glorfindel” knew his name. SO UNCOOL.
“Oh my gosh, it’s such an honour to meet you, sir, I’m a massive fan of you, and your work, and... Gosh, I’m just so pleased to have the chance to meet you, I’m really-”
And on and on the flying idiot gushed. Batman tried to pretend that he wasn’t with him.
The horse looked bored. Batman could relate. Then he realised, HORRIFIED, that he just compared himself to a HORSE.
The flying idiot was still gushing. Glorfindel was starting to look slightly alarmed. The horse looked hungry.
Batman regarded the flying idiot with sudden suspicion. Had this all been a ploy, just so he could meet this elf? It was sneaky. SUPER SNEAKY. And just the type of thing that the flying idiot would do...
Glorfindel looked even more alarmed, SOMEHOW managed to interrupt the flying idiot, and he ACTUALLY STOPPED TALKING. Apparently the horse, Asfaloth (pffft!) needed a bath, because he was covered in mud.
The horse looked innocent.
All Elves were stupid. How could a HORSE fit into a BATH???
But the flying idiot was gushing again, almost falling over himself as he apologised, but STILL managed to ask for a autograph.
Glorfindel looked harassed, but agreed. The horse looked like it was going to start eating the flying idiot. Or at least his hair.
GOOD.
(Stupid perfect super hair)
The autograph was duly signed, and the flying idiot gazed at it with starry eyed wonder, clearly delusional. Glorfindel looked like he was trying to sneak away, but BATMAN was the MASTER of SNEAKINESS.
“Hi, could you make it out to Bruce, please? B-r-u-c-e? Thank you, thank you so much,” he gushed, quietly, quickly stuffed the autograph into a belt pocket, then dodged away before the horse could try and eat HIM.
Or worse, before the flying idiot saw.
The flying idiot hadn’t seen, was still absorbed in his own autograph. He was probably having some kind of WEIRD fantasy about him and Lord Glorfindel and-
“He’s taken, you know.” Batman said, entirely annoyed, though he wasn’t quite sure why.
The flying idiot blinked, looked at him, dazed.
“By a demi-god. Who could squish you like a FLY.” Batman continued.
But the flying idiot (OF COURSE) just smiled. “Oh, I know. But I’ve always wanted to meet him, and wow! Don’t you think his hair was gorgeous? I’ve heard so much about it, but to actually see it...!
Batman just scowled at him.
(At least the flying idiot wasn’t BLONDE. That would be an INSULT on top of EVERYTHING else.)
*****
EVENTUALLY, Lord Elrond FINALLY arrived. But he wasn’t alone.
THERE WERE TWO OF HIM.
(Okay, actually, apparently he had an identical twin and it wasn’t funny that he didn’t know that, SHUP UP, FLYING IDIOT, WAS HE SUPPOSED TO KNOW EVERYTHING ABOUT THIS STUPID PLACE?????)
ANYWAY, Elrond and Elros (who was laughing too, URGH) said hello and BLAH BLAH BLAH and FINALLY told the flying idiot where they were supposed to go.
It was all immensely irritating.
Stupid Elves.
*****
THEN THEY GOT CAUGHT IN A THUNDERSTORM. IN THE MOUNTAINS.
Which would have been AWESOME, and he could have done some AWESOME poses and taken AWESOME selfies-
BUT THEN THEY ALMOST GOT SQUASHED BY GIANTS THROWING STONES AT EACH OTHER.
Batman was SO DONE with Middle-Earth.
(At least the flying idiot’s stupid super hair got messed up)
*****
The flying idiot was CLEARLY feeling sorry for himself. He had landed them on a giant rock in the middle of nowhere and was wringing out his cape.
He wanted to know if he had a mirror to see his stupid super hair, but DUH, BATMAN WAS SUPER AWESOME GOOD LOOKING AAAALLLLLLLL THE TIME, and DIDN’T NEED MIRRORS.
The flying idiot looked like he might cry.
Batman just looked away in disgust.
The flying idiot insisted that they stay there, because he needed to recharge in the sunlight, it wasn’t like it was at home, and BLAH BLAH BLAH. WHINE WHINE WHINE.
He still moved SUPER FAST though, when it looked like they might get eaten by ENORMOUS EAGLES.
(Who was in charge of Middle-Earth, REALLY? Stupid GIANTS. STUPID EAGLES.)
*****
It was all the flying idiots fault.
Apparently, they had go through the forest of “Mirkwood” to get to where they FINALLY needed to go.
Only the flying idiot DIDN’T FLY THEM OVER IT.
HE WANTED TO WALK THROUGH IT. Because it was “important to experience the surroundings of Middle-Earth properly, we’re guests here, we ought to fit in and-”
BLAH BLAH BLAH.
AS IF THE NAME “MIRKWOOD” WASN’T A CLUE.
Even stupid people who weren’t the WORLD'S GREATEST DETECTIVE could work out that it was bad plan.
Which just went to prove WHAT AN IDIOT the flying idiot was.
Because the forest of “Mirkwood” was PITCH BLACK UNDER THE TREES.
Which MEANT THAT THE FLYING IDIOT COULDN’T GET ANY SUNLIGHT.
WHICH MEANT THAT HE LOST ALL OF HIS POWERS.
Apparently he STILL had super hearing, though, because he could hear him muttering about what an idiot he was.
ANYWAY, the forest was FULL OF TREES, like any other forest, why had the flying idiot been so interested in seeing it?
And it was DARK. You couldn’t see anything ANYWAY.
Unless you were BATMAN, AND HAD AWESOME NIGHT VISION GOGGLES IN YOUR COWL.
But it wasn’t HIS fault that they got lost, the path they were supposed to be following was CLEARLY wrong and broken and-
There was a noise.
“WHOWAZAA!” He yelled, batarangs ready-
And then the flying idiot screeched and jumped on him.
Literally, JUST JUMPED ON HIM, arms and legs wrapped around him.
Batman spluttered, spat part of the stupid red cape out of his mouth-
Then screeched himself and jumped on the flying idiot.
They were NOT clinging to each other. THAT WOULD BE SO UNCOOL. Batman was NOT FRIGHTENED. HE WAS AN AWESOME CREATURE OF THE NIGHT AND NOTHING, NOT EVEN HUMUNGUS, GIANT SPIDERS FRIGHTENED HIM.
(Though really, WHAT WAS IT WITH MAKING EVERYTHING GIANT HERE???? DID THEY FORGET TO MAKE THE HOBBITS GIANTS, TOO????)
(Okay, maybe he was a little frightened. Alfred always dealt with the spiders at home and HE DID NOT YELL FOR HIM TO COME AND RESCUE THEM.)
But then THERE WERE MORE ELVES. WITH MORE BOWS AND ARROWS.
The spiders scattered (phew), and Batman untangled himself from the flying idiot, who was still clinging to him.
One of them was swinging upside down and firing arrows, then flipped and landed just in front of them, firing arrows all the time, AND flipping his long blond hair.
Batman hated him on sight.
*****
Apparently they were “violating the laws of Mirkwood” (He glared SUPER HARD at the flying idiot, who at least looked abashed) by walking through it without permission from the Elf-King, and now they had to go to the Elf-King’s palace and be questioned and BLAH BLAH BLAH.
The Elves tried to confiscate their weapons, but gave up in the end, because his weapons were TOO SUPER AWESOME for Middle-Earth.
The blonde elf just stood around posing, flipping his hair now and then, until he was joined by ANOTHER elf, this one with long red hair. (HOW IMPRACTICAL.) STUPID ELVES.
Then the Elves tied them up (HOW RUDE) and prodded them along, the flying idiot (of course) apologising all the time and tripping over himself and URGH.
He even thanked them for saving them from the GIANT, EVIL SPIDERS. AS IF HE, BATMAN, COULDN’T HAVE TAKEN THEM DOWN.
He totally could. If the flying idiot hadn’t been CLINGING TO HIM-
The blonde elf just smirked and flipped his hair again.
Batman hated him even more.
*****
Apparently the blonde elf was the son of the Elf-King. WHO WAS EVEN BLONDER. AND RODE A MOOSE.
Really, A MOOSE. A GIANT ONE.
Middle-Earth was SO STUPID.
(He had an awesome cape though, he would have to see if Alfred could make him a cape just like it, because it would be SO AWESOME to pose in and-)
The flying idiot was talking and apologising AGAIN and BLAH BLAH BLAH.
Batman tuned him out and started to compose some of his SICK BEATS. The Elves were looking at him, CLEARLY in admiration. They would have NEVER heard anything as AWESOME as his SICK BEATS before, and why was the flying idiot gesturing at him to stop?
It wasn’t HIS fault no one in Middle-Earth had good taste.
THEY RODE GIANT MOOSE. WHAT DID THEY KNOW.
The Elf-King didn’t want to let them leave, but the flying idiot used some of his super charm, blah blah blah...
EVENTUALLY, the Elf-King let them go, but they were STILL stuck with his stupid hair flipping son, who had to escort them through the rest of the forest, until they got to somewhere called “Lake-Town”.
Clearly, everyone was feeling SUPER imaginative the day they named it.
(At least it wasn’t as stupid as “Mirkwood”.)
*****
Batman was DONE. SO DONE. COMPLETELY, TOTALLY, DONE.
Not ONLY was he stuck with the flying idiot, NOW he was stuck the blonde elf, who leaped up trees every two minutes, only to flip down from them again, whipping out his bow, looking around all stupidly heroically, flipping his hair, CLEARLY SHOWING OFF.
WHO DID HE THINK HE WAS IMPRESSING?
BATMAN WAS TOTALLY COOLER THAN HIM, AND ABLE TO DO MUCH BETTER FLIPS.
HE wasn’t stupid enough to have stupid long blonde hair that would get stuck in his face.
(It never did with the elf, though, CLEARLY some unfair and stupid form of elf magic.)
HE WAS BATMAN. HE WAS COOLER THAN ANYONE ELSE.
He made sure to do some SUPER COOL poses, with his cape drawn up all mysteriously around him.
The flying idiot just kept giving him fond looks.
Batman hated them both.
*****
FINALLY, FINALLY, they made it through the forest.
Now they were in “Lake-Town” (stupid name) which was IN THE MIDDLE OF A LAKE.
Seriously. RIGHT IN THE MIDDLE. AND IT WAS MADE OUT OF WOOD.
Batman glared at the flying idiot, but he was too busy leaping around with glee at finally getting his powers back, now they were out of the forest.
The blonde elf stared at the flying idiot a moment, then went back to posing.
Batman hated EVERYTHING.
They had to WALK up the long wooden causeway to the town (SO UNCOOL. If he had had his Scuttler they would have made a SUPER AWESOME entrance.)
But no, they had to WALK. And people hardly even noticed them.
Batman glared at the flying idiot some more.
“Uh, excuse me? Excuse me, miss, sorry, can I-” And on and on, apologising and tripping over himself and URGH.
The blonde elf was leaping around on the rooftops.
Batman glared at him. HE was the one who was supposed to be leaping around in rooftops, it was HIS thing, and now this stupid blonde elf had to go and RUIN EVERYTHING.
“Can I help you?”
“WHOWAZAA!” He yelled, pulled his batarangs out, only to find a man standing next to him. Who looked suspiciously like the blonde elf, if the blonde elf had brown hair.
He even had a bow and arrows.
SERIOUSLY. WHAT WAS IT WITH THE BOWS AND ARROWS EVERYWHERE?
Batman stared at him suspiciously, but the flying idiot (of course) flew over and started chatting and BLAH BLAH BLAH-
“Gandalf? He’s up at the Lonely Mountain with the Dwarves-” The man replied, and the flying idiot looked crestfallen.
Batman glared at him. If they had to travel EVEN FURTHER-
“Da!”
Batman leaped again, but didn’t take out his batarangs this time, because-
“Tilda.” The man replied, and BATMAN TOTALLY DIDN’T SQUEAL, OKAY. NOT EVEN WITH THE LITTLE GIRL BEING SO CUTE AND KINDA LIKE DICK WHEN HE WAS LITTLE AND-
The flying idiot was smiling at him.
Batman GLOWERED at him.
At least even the blonde elf idiot didn’t seem immune to the little girl, and was cooing over her. He even stopped posing and leaping around the rooftops.
But, HAH, the little girl was CLEARLY intelligent, because she wasn’t interested in the blonde elf idiot, INSTEAD, she was looking at him.
EVERYONE LOVED BATMAN.
He preened.
Her father looked amused. “We could take you to the Lonely Mountain, if you wanted? We were going to Dale, anyway.”
“Thank you, King Bard.” The blonde elf idiot said, and of course the flying idiot was falling over himself again, apologising for not realising that he was a King and URGH.
(Batman still thought he looked WAY too similar to the blonde elf.)
(At least he wasn’t a jerk.)
*****
At least it wasn’t far to the Lonely Mountain. And Tilda walked next to him the WHOLE TIME, so he could tell her allllll his awesome stories about Gotham and Dick and Alfred.
He ignored the flying idiot, who was STILL smiling fondly at him.
The blonde elf was sulking. Batman smirked.
The Lonely Mountain (WHO HAD NAMED EVERYTHING HERE????) was a big mountain, big deal, blah blah blah. Apparently dwarves lived inside it.
Stupid Dwarves.
The blonde elf seemed to agree.
WHY was he even still following them? He had been told to take them to Lake-Town, not follow them around, after.
Batman stared at him, suspicious.
Bard offered to take them to the gates of the Lonely Mountain, since apparently Thorin, the Dwarf-King, could be “prickly”.
Batman ignored the look the flying idiot gave him then, and his comment of how he had some practice dealing with prickly types.
What a jerk.
ANYWAY, they reached the Lonely Mountain, blah blah blah, Thorin came out to see them and glowered at them suspiciously, instantly let them in when he saw Tilda, who waved at him.
The flying idiot gave him a significant look.
Batman ignored him. AGAIN.
At least Thorin seemed deeply reluctant to let the blonde elf in.They glared at each other for a long moment-
“Thorin, let Legolas in, for goodness sake.”
It was a hobbit who spoke, and-
IT WAS THE SAME HOBBIT HE HAD SEEN IN THE SHIRE!!!!
“YOU!” Batman yelled, and the hobbit looked at him, smiled and greeted him cheerfully.
“Oh, hello again Mr. Batman! I hope you had a pleasant journey?”
Batman gaped at him. “HOW-” He began, but then Tilda was hugging the hobbit and-
BUT HE HAD BEEN IN THE SHIRE. HOW HAD HE-?
He knew there had been something sneaky and suspicious about that hobbit. Batman was the WORLD'S GREATEST DETECTIVE, AND HE COULD DISCOVER SNEAKINESS EVERYWHERE.
“You know each other?” Thorin asked.
The flying idiot looked confused. GOOD.
“Oh, we met in the Shire a little while ago.” The hobbit replied. Thorin looked at him suspiciously again, before properly inviting them in.
Even the blonde elf.
Unfortunately.
*****
The flying idiot, Thorin and Bard were talking and BLAH BLAH BLAH-
They had some AWESOME caves here, he had to admit it. Maybe he could convince some dwarves to come back with him and help redecorate the Bat-Cave? It would be so COOL, and they looked like they would like HIS SICK BEATS.
Not like the stupid elves.
“-ah, yes, well, there were a few problems. One, in particular.” Thorin said, and he and Bard looked at one another.
The flying idiot looked concerned (of course). Batman ignored them.
He was TOTALLY going to remodel the Bat-Cave when he got back, he decided. There were SO MANY awesome places to pose and blend mysteriously into the shadows here.
HE LOVED IT.
At least until he saw-
“WHAT. THE HECK. IS THAT.”
The others stopped talking.
“Ah, yes, that was... The problem.” Thorin sounded a little sheepish.
It was a dragon. Only... It was small. And cute. AND TINY. And REALLY, REALLY CUTE.
“Is that... Smaug?” The flying idiot asked.
The blonde elf was face palming.
“Rawr!” Tiny Smaug growled.
Tilda giggled, let go of her father’s hand and put her arms around Smaug’s neck. Who PURRED.
Batman stared, then slowly, SLOWLY, turned to look at the flying idiot.
At least he looked astonished, and then embarrassed.
“Are you telling me,” Batman began, “that we travelled across ALL OF MIDDLE-EARTH, for... THIS?”
The flying idiot flinched.
“Um, well...”
“I am afraid that Smaug seems to have suffered some ill-effects from... previous events.”
“WHOWAZAA!” Batman yelled, but it was only Gandalf. Who was okay. He supposed. No where NEAR as cool as Batman, though.
“Blah blah blah,” he continued, “that the effects of being pulled into the Phantom Zone and then out of it, when all the villains were realised, had an... interesting side-effect.”
Everyone turned to look at him.
“What?” Batman demanded. “That wasn’t me. That was... some other Batman.”
They still looked at him.
“The purple one. Or maybe the rainbow one. Who clearly isn’t me.”
They looked at him again.
Gandalf cleared his throat. “In any case, it does seem as though the change is permanent.”
They all stared at Smaug. Who was still purring, and butting his head gently against Tilda.
Thorin cleared his throat. “There is no difficulty in keeping him here, where it is... safe.” He said, after glancing quickly at the hobbit. “Besides, he’s very handy for lighting the forges,” he murmured.
“Thorin!” The hobbit rebuked, and the dwarf flinched.
“Not that... we would use him for that...” Thorin amended, glanced nervously at the hobbit. Bard looked like he was trying not to laugh. The blonde elf was posing again.
Tilda was cooing over Smaug.
Batman glared at the flying idiot.
THIS WAS ALL HIS FAULT.
*****
Then they had to go ALL THE WAY BACK TO THE SHIRE TO GET BACK HOME
At least the flying idiot flew them over Mirkwood this time.
AT LEAST THE BLONDE ELF STOPPED FOLLOWING THEM.
*****
“Padre! You’re back!” Dick greeted him with a flying hug.
Batman allowed it. This once.
The flying idiot was smiling at him again.
Batman ignored it.
“Welcome home, sir. I trust your mission to Middle-Earth was a success?” Alfred asked, appearing from nowhere with his silver tray.
Batman glowered at the flying idiot, who at least still looked abashed.
“What was Middle-Earth like? Did you see any hobbits? Did you see any Elves? Any Ents? Any Dwarves? Did you see Gandalf and Elrond and-!” That was Dick, of course.
“We saw Lord Glorfindel!” The flying idiot replied, then pulled out his autograph, hovering a little again.
“WOW!” Dick gasped, starry eyed with wonder.
Batman stared at them both, lost in the delusions of fanboying. Even Alfred looked impressed.
“Wow!” Dick gasped again. “That is SO COOL. Did you get his autograph too, padre?”
“Uh, Batman doesn’t ASK for autographs, Batman GIVES autographs.”
“Of course you do, sir.”
Batman narrowed his eyes at Alfred. Who just looked back at him blandly. At least Dick and the flying idiot were too busy cooing over the stupid piece of paper to notice.
“Good night, Alfred.” Batman said, then walked away, and he DIDN’T STOMP, okay?
Not that the others even noticed.
*****
It was only when he was in one of the most secret, super hidden and locked and secured rooms of the Cave that he finally, very, very carefully, took out his own autograph and allowed himself to squeal.
He’d finally got Lord Glorfindel’s autograph!
Rating: PG
Characters: Batman, Superman, Various Tolkien Characters
Word Count: 4916
Author's Note: A mash up of The Lego Batman Movie and a potential Lego Middle-Earth, written for (and posted a little early!)
mithen's birthday! I hope you have a great day! :)It was quiet. And dark. And darkly quiet. All the things that he, Batman, loved best. Just he, the dark and-
"Hi Batman!"
“WHOWAZAA!" He spun around, ready to fight, prepared to face ANYTHING- "Oh. It's you." He muttered, and scowled at the flying idiot. The flying, grinning idiot. Who had just flown into his cave. Disturbing the dark. The quiet. All the things he loved best.
"Hi!" It waved again. Batman ignored it. He had better things to do. Like brood. On the darkness. On the-
"Superman! Hi! What are you doing here? Is there an emergency? Have they broken out of the Phantom Zone again? Do you need us to help? We can do that! Right, padre?"
Nightwing, formerly Robin, his adopted son, popped out from nowhere, beaming at the flying idiot. At least, Batman thought with a shudder, he had changed costumes now. That hideous costume still gave him nightmares. Glittering capes! SO UNCOOL.
The flying idiot and his son were happily chattering away to each other, of course, ruining the quiet. The silence. The darkness. Ruining his brooding. Really, how was one supposed to brood PROPERLY when they were both here, CHATTING.
"-so that's why I'm going to Middle-Earth!" The flying idiot had just finished saying, and Batman swung to look at him.
"Middle-Earth? Really? What are you going to do, fly to Mount Doom?" He sneered.
The flying idiot just smiled at him. "I was just letting you know so you don't miss me?"
"Miss you? Why would I miss YOU?"
"So you'll come with me, then?" The flying idiot beamed.
"-darn it," Batman muttered.
*****
“Why did we have to come here?” Batman demanded. The fortress was white. And cold. And FAR too white. There were no COOL shadows to lurk in.
“BLAH BLAH BLAH” The flying idiot said, saying something about how the fortress was a place where “cosmic alignments” met and other nonsense. All Batman knew was that it was stupid, and JUST the sort of the thing that the flying idiot would have. Really.
“So all we need to do is-” The flying idiot was saying, but Batman wasn’t listening, because it was all TOTALLY ridiculous and he hadn’t even been able to listen to his SICK BEATS since the flying idiot had just grabbed him and-
“-and align this to Middle-Earth and-”
There was a flash of blinding light and then-
“I WILL KILL YOU!!!!” Batman yelled, as he and the flying idiot were hurled through a kaleidoscope of flaming colours and- was that singing??? But not AWESOME songs, like HIS SICK BEATS, but like angels or some other stupid mystical things and-
And then they were in Middle-Earth.
*****
“Are you feeling better?” The flying idiot was clearly trying to be sympathetic, but he could see his smugness.
“Shut up. This is all your fault.” Batman replied. If the flying, LYING idiot hadn’t grabbed him none of this would have happened. Though he was pleased that he had managed to hurl all over the flying idiots shining red boots. Served him right. Batman was the awesomest.
“Well, if you are, we should start looking for-” And there he went again, acting as if he, Batman, should CARE about any of this stuff.
At least there were some shadows here. But not awesome shadows. Everything was GREEN, just GREEN, EVERYWHERE.
It was more sickening than the stupid portal.
“-the Shire, and-”
The flying idiot was still talking, and was even looking around as if this was an awesome place. Which, really, just showed what an idiot he was.
“Oh!” The flying idiot interrupted himself. “I can see Hobbits!” And then he darted away, waving and shouting hello.
“What an idiot.” Batman grumbled.
*****
The Hobbits, apparently, had organised a welcome party for them, because they knew that they were “great heroes” (COMPLETELY CORRECT) of the “big folk”, and that was the sort of thing they did, the flying idiot claimed. But what did HE know, clearly there was some nefarious purpose behind this, and he, BATMAN, the WORLD'S GREATEST DETECTIVE would figure it out.
After, you know, he had eaten some of the food, because really, it was DELICIOUS and almost as good as Alfred’s and-
The flying idiot was smiling at him.
Batman scowled back, then spied a hobbit looking nervous and secretive, and IT WAS CLEARLY PLOTTING SOMETHING.
“WHOWAZAA!” He yelled, and tackled it. (But carefully, of course, it was only small, after all.)
“AHHHHH?” It yelled, then looked confused.
“Yeah, that’s right! You’d better scream! Who are you hiding from, huh? WHAT ARE YOU PLANNING?” He, Batman, was the awesomest and COULD FIND OUT ANY CRIME, ANYWHERE.
“Ahhhh?” It said again. “I was only- *GASP* THE SACKVILLE-BAGGINS! LET ME GO, PLEASE, I HAVE TO HIDE FROM THEM!”
“WHOWAZAA!” Batman yelled again, let the hobbit go and turned to look for this villain, this “SACKVILLE-BAGGINS”-
Only to find two more hobbits looking around, suspiciously.
“I say, you haven’t seen Bilbo Baggins anywhere around here, have you?” One of them asked.
Batman stared. He was an AWESOME CREATURE OF THE NIGHT. He didn’t have to answer hobbits questions, the whole thing was stupid and ridiculous and WHERE WAS THE FLYING IDIOT WHEN YOU NEEDED HIM.
So he drew up his cape, so it covered the bare part of his face, and tip-toed away.
*****
Apparently the flying idiot hadn’t even brought them to the RIGHT PART of Middle-Earth. No, they NOW HAD TO JOURNEY ACROSS ALL OF IT. Which just made this whole thing even more stupid.
At least the flying idiot had the grace to look abashed, when he learned that. Really, HE, Batman, wouldn’t have made this STUPID mistake, and what did he care that they got to the see The Shire, and the Hobbits, that the flying idiot cooed over?
(Even if they were small and cute, and reminded him of when Dick was Robin and-)
At least the flying idiot could fly, and cut down their journey time. But it would have been SO MUCH cooler if they had used the Scuttler. They could have listened to his SICK BEATS then, instead of him being forced to listen to the flying idiot going on and on and on...
EVENTUALLY, they came to a river, which the flying idiot landed at. Batman glared at him, unimpressed. Really, why was he stopping here, there was nothing-
“Halt, and identify yourselves!”
“WHOWAZAA!” He jumped, grabbed his batarangs, prepared to fling them (super accurately, of course).
Two Elves (ELVES, REALLY???) had emerged from trees on the other side of the river. One was dressed in blue and the other in white, and both had bows and arrows pointed right at them.
Which just went to prove that Elves were stupid. Really, who EVEN USED bows and arrows anymore? And didn’t they know that Superman was invulnerable? And he was BATMAN.
Of course, the flying idiot raised his hands and smiled at them. Probably charmingly. Stupid Super Charm.
“Hi! I’m Superman, and this is my friend Batman!” He called across.
The Elves looked suspicious (good for them, maybe they weren't completely stupid after all) and muttered to themselves in ELVISH, really. Pffft.
“Prove it!” The one in white called, and the one in blue loosed her arrow. RIGHT AT HIM! THE FLYING IDIOT WAS THE ONE WHO WAS SUPPOSED TO PROVE WHO HE WAS, EVERYONE KNEW WHO BATMAN WAS!!!!
He dodged it, of course. Because he was BATMAN.
The flying idiot didn't even try to help. Not that he even needed him to, and would have told him so, LOUDLY, if he had tried to help.
The Elves muttered together again, then the one in blue said they could cross the river.
URGH. He didn’t want to go to some stupid Elvish paradise, he just wanted this whole STUPID mission to be over, so he could go back to the dark and quiet and-
But, of course, the flying idiot didn’t agree. And now they had to go to Rivendell.
What a stupid name.
*****
The two Elves escorted them there, otherwise they would have got lost, or so they said.
Um, he was BATMAN. He NEVER got lost.
(At least not with ‘Puter to tell him where to go.)
And that didn’t even answer the question of WHO WAS GUARDING THE ELVISH PARADISE IF THE GUARDS WERE ESCORTING THEM????
Elves were idiots, clearly.
The flying idiot, of course, asked their names. The one in blue (who had ALMOST SHOT HIM) was called Arwen and the one in white (how IMPRACTICAL) was called Aredhel, Arwen’s great-great aunt.
Elves were SO confusing.
Anyway, they went to Rivendell, blah blah blah, the flying idiot was instantly happy and cooing over how PRETTY it was, and there were ELVES, everywhere, and they were SINGING, ALL THE TIME.
Maybe he would show them his SICK BEATS, so they could see what REAL music was.
Arwen and Aredhel went to get Elrond, the Lord of Rivendell, so he could tell them blah blah blah, wait here, blah blah blah, don’t touch anything, blah blah blah.
The flying idiot just nodded. Batman sighed. How long had this mission even been? And they STILL had half of Middle-Earth to go.
At least there were lots of places he could practice his AWESOME grappling skills here. If only the flying idiot wouldn’t object and squawk and URGH.
SO UNCOOL.
They waited, he in sullen silence, the flying idiot still cooing at everything.
But then-
“OH MY GOSH, OH MY GOSH!”
“WHOWAZAA!” He leaped, prepared for anything that made the flying idiot shout-
Only to find ANOTHER elf. Only this one had a HORSE.
“OH MY GOSH!” The flying idiot yelled again. “Excuse me. I’m so sorry, but are you... are you... Lord Glorfindel?” He asked the elf, and he was ACTUALLY FLOATING.
He was FANBOYING, Batman realised, with utter disgust.
The elf nodded, looked amused. The flying idiot was practically starry-eyed with wonder.
“And you are Superman and Batman, I presume?” He asked, and honestly, the flying idiot looked like he might EXPLODE. Just because “Lord Glorfindel” knew his name. SO UNCOOL.
“Oh my gosh, it’s such an honour to meet you, sir, I’m a massive fan of you, and your work, and... Gosh, I’m just so pleased to have the chance to meet you, I’m really-”
And on and on the flying idiot gushed. Batman tried to pretend that he wasn’t with him.
The horse looked bored. Batman could relate. Then he realised, HORRIFIED, that he just compared himself to a HORSE.
The flying idiot was still gushing. Glorfindel was starting to look slightly alarmed. The horse looked hungry.
Batman regarded the flying idiot with sudden suspicion. Had this all been a ploy, just so he could meet this elf? It was sneaky. SUPER SNEAKY. And just the type of thing that the flying idiot would do...
Glorfindel looked even more alarmed, SOMEHOW managed to interrupt the flying idiot, and he ACTUALLY STOPPED TALKING. Apparently the horse, Asfaloth (pffft!) needed a bath, because he was covered in mud.
The horse looked innocent.
All Elves were stupid. How could a HORSE fit into a BATH???
But the flying idiot was gushing again, almost falling over himself as he apologised, but STILL managed to ask for a autograph.
Glorfindel looked harassed, but agreed. The horse looked like it was going to start eating the flying idiot. Or at least his hair.
GOOD.
(Stupid perfect super hair)
The autograph was duly signed, and the flying idiot gazed at it with starry eyed wonder, clearly delusional. Glorfindel looked like he was trying to sneak away, but BATMAN was the MASTER of SNEAKINESS.
“Hi, could you make it out to Bruce, please? B-r-u-c-e? Thank you, thank you so much,” he gushed, quietly, quickly stuffed the autograph into a belt pocket, then dodged away before the horse could try and eat HIM.
Or worse, before the flying idiot saw.
The flying idiot hadn’t seen, was still absorbed in his own autograph. He was probably having some kind of WEIRD fantasy about him and Lord Glorfindel and-
“He’s taken, you know.” Batman said, entirely annoyed, though he wasn’t quite sure why.
The flying idiot blinked, looked at him, dazed.
“By a demi-god. Who could squish you like a FLY.” Batman continued.
But the flying idiot (OF COURSE) just smiled. “Oh, I know. But I’ve always wanted to meet him, and wow! Don’t you think his hair was gorgeous? I’ve heard so much about it, but to actually see it...!
Batman just scowled at him.
(At least the flying idiot wasn’t BLONDE. That would be an INSULT on top of EVERYTHING else.)
*****
EVENTUALLY, Lord Elrond FINALLY arrived. But he wasn’t alone.
THERE WERE TWO OF HIM.
(Okay, actually, apparently he had an identical twin and it wasn’t funny that he didn’t know that, SHUP UP, FLYING IDIOT, WAS HE SUPPOSED TO KNOW EVERYTHING ABOUT THIS STUPID PLACE?????)
ANYWAY, Elrond and Elros (who was laughing too, URGH) said hello and BLAH BLAH BLAH and FINALLY told the flying idiot where they were supposed to go.
It was all immensely irritating.
Stupid Elves.
*****
THEN THEY GOT CAUGHT IN A THUNDERSTORM. IN THE MOUNTAINS.
Which would have been AWESOME, and he could have done some AWESOME poses and taken AWESOME selfies-
BUT THEN THEY ALMOST GOT SQUASHED BY GIANTS THROWING STONES AT EACH OTHER.
Batman was SO DONE with Middle-Earth.
(At least the flying idiot’s stupid super hair got messed up)
*****
The flying idiot was CLEARLY feeling sorry for himself. He had landed them on a giant rock in the middle of nowhere and was wringing out his cape.
He wanted to know if he had a mirror to see his stupid super hair, but DUH, BATMAN WAS SUPER AWESOME GOOD LOOKING AAAALLLLLLLL THE TIME, and DIDN’T NEED MIRRORS.
The flying idiot looked like he might cry.
Batman just looked away in disgust.
The flying idiot insisted that they stay there, because he needed to recharge in the sunlight, it wasn’t like it was at home, and BLAH BLAH BLAH. WHINE WHINE WHINE.
He still moved SUPER FAST though, when it looked like they might get eaten by ENORMOUS EAGLES.
(Who was in charge of Middle-Earth, REALLY? Stupid GIANTS. STUPID EAGLES.)
*****
It was all the flying idiots fault.
Apparently, they had go through the forest of “Mirkwood” to get to where they FINALLY needed to go.
Only the flying idiot DIDN’T FLY THEM OVER IT.
HE WANTED TO WALK THROUGH IT. Because it was “important to experience the surroundings of Middle-Earth properly, we’re guests here, we ought to fit in and-”
BLAH BLAH BLAH.
AS IF THE NAME “MIRKWOOD” WASN’T A CLUE.
Even stupid people who weren’t the WORLD'S GREATEST DETECTIVE could work out that it was bad plan.
Which just went to prove WHAT AN IDIOT the flying idiot was.
Because the forest of “Mirkwood” was PITCH BLACK UNDER THE TREES.
Which MEANT THAT THE FLYING IDIOT COULDN’T GET ANY SUNLIGHT.
WHICH MEANT THAT HE LOST ALL OF HIS POWERS.
Apparently he STILL had super hearing, though, because he could hear him muttering about what an idiot he was.
ANYWAY, the forest was FULL OF TREES, like any other forest, why had the flying idiot been so interested in seeing it?
And it was DARK. You couldn’t see anything ANYWAY.
Unless you were BATMAN, AND HAD AWESOME NIGHT VISION GOGGLES IN YOUR COWL.
But it wasn’t HIS fault that they got lost, the path they were supposed to be following was CLEARLY wrong and broken and-
There was a noise.
“WHOWAZAA!” He yelled, batarangs ready-
And then the flying idiot screeched and jumped on him.
Literally, JUST JUMPED ON HIM, arms and legs wrapped around him.
Batman spluttered, spat part of the stupid red cape out of his mouth-
Then screeched himself and jumped on the flying idiot.
They were NOT clinging to each other. THAT WOULD BE SO UNCOOL. Batman was NOT FRIGHTENED. HE WAS AN AWESOME CREATURE OF THE NIGHT AND NOTHING, NOT EVEN HUMUNGUS, GIANT SPIDERS FRIGHTENED HIM.
(Though really, WHAT WAS IT WITH MAKING EVERYTHING GIANT HERE???? DID THEY FORGET TO MAKE THE HOBBITS GIANTS, TOO????)
(Okay, maybe he was a little frightened. Alfred always dealt with the spiders at home and HE DID NOT YELL FOR HIM TO COME AND RESCUE THEM.)
But then THERE WERE MORE ELVES. WITH MORE BOWS AND ARROWS.
The spiders scattered (phew), and Batman untangled himself from the flying idiot, who was still clinging to him.
One of them was swinging upside down and firing arrows, then flipped and landed just in front of them, firing arrows all the time, AND flipping his long blond hair.
Batman hated him on sight.
*****
Apparently they were “violating the laws of Mirkwood” (He glared SUPER HARD at the flying idiot, who at least looked abashed) by walking through it without permission from the Elf-King, and now they had to go to the Elf-King’s palace and be questioned and BLAH BLAH BLAH.
The Elves tried to confiscate their weapons, but gave up in the end, because his weapons were TOO SUPER AWESOME for Middle-Earth.
The blonde elf just stood around posing, flipping his hair now and then, until he was joined by ANOTHER elf, this one with long red hair. (HOW IMPRACTICAL.) STUPID ELVES.
Then the Elves tied them up (HOW RUDE) and prodded them along, the flying idiot (of course) apologising all the time and tripping over himself and URGH.
He even thanked them for saving them from the GIANT, EVIL SPIDERS. AS IF HE, BATMAN, COULDN’T HAVE TAKEN THEM DOWN.
He totally could. If the flying idiot hadn’t been CLINGING TO HIM-
The blonde elf just smirked and flipped his hair again.
Batman hated him even more.
*****
Apparently the blonde elf was the son of the Elf-King. WHO WAS EVEN BLONDER. AND RODE A MOOSE.
Really, A MOOSE. A GIANT ONE.
Middle-Earth was SO STUPID.
(He had an awesome cape though, he would have to see if Alfred could make him a cape just like it, because it would be SO AWESOME to pose in and-)
The flying idiot was talking and apologising AGAIN and BLAH BLAH BLAH.
Batman tuned him out and started to compose some of his SICK BEATS. The Elves were looking at him, CLEARLY in admiration. They would have NEVER heard anything as AWESOME as his SICK BEATS before, and why was the flying idiot gesturing at him to stop?
It wasn’t HIS fault no one in Middle-Earth had good taste.
THEY RODE GIANT MOOSE. WHAT DID THEY KNOW.
The Elf-King didn’t want to let them leave, but the flying idiot used some of his super charm, blah blah blah...
EVENTUALLY, the Elf-King let them go, but they were STILL stuck with his stupid hair flipping son, who had to escort them through the rest of the forest, until they got to somewhere called “Lake-Town”.
Clearly, everyone was feeling SUPER imaginative the day they named it.
(At least it wasn’t as stupid as “Mirkwood”.)
*****
Batman was DONE. SO DONE. COMPLETELY, TOTALLY, DONE.
Not ONLY was he stuck with the flying idiot, NOW he was stuck the blonde elf, who leaped up trees every two minutes, only to flip down from them again, whipping out his bow, looking around all stupidly heroically, flipping his hair, CLEARLY SHOWING OFF.
WHO DID HE THINK HE WAS IMPRESSING?
BATMAN WAS TOTALLY COOLER THAN HIM, AND ABLE TO DO MUCH BETTER FLIPS.
HE wasn’t stupid enough to have stupid long blonde hair that would get stuck in his face.
(It never did with the elf, though, CLEARLY some unfair and stupid form of elf magic.)
HE WAS BATMAN. HE WAS COOLER THAN ANYONE ELSE.
He made sure to do some SUPER COOL poses, with his cape drawn up all mysteriously around him.
The flying idiot just kept giving him fond looks.
Batman hated them both.
*****
FINALLY, FINALLY, they made it through the forest.
Now they were in “Lake-Town” (stupid name) which was IN THE MIDDLE OF A LAKE.
Seriously. RIGHT IN THE MIDDLE. AND IT WAS MADE OUT OF WOOD.
Batman glared at the flying idiot, but he was too busy leaping around with glee at finally getting his powers back, now they were out of the forest.
The blonde elf stared at the flying idiot a moment, then went back to posing.
Batman hated EVERYTHING.
They had to WALK up the long wooden causeway to the town (SO UNCOOL. If he had had his Scuttler they would have made a SUPER AWESOME entrance.)
But no, they had to WALK. And people hardly even noticed them.
Batman glared at the flying idiot some more.
“Uh, excuse me? Excuse me, miss, sorry, can I-” And on and on, apologising and tripping over himself and URGH.
The blonde elf was leaping around on the rooftops.
Batman glared at him. HE was the one who was supposed to be leaping around in rooftops, it was HIS thing, and now this stupid blonde elf had to go and RUIN EVERYTHING.
“Can I help you?”
“WHOWAZAA!” He yelled, pulled his batarangs out, only to find a man standing next to him. Who looked suspiciously like the blonde elf, if the blonde elf had brown hair.
He even had a bow and arrows.
SERIOUSLY. WHAT WAS IT WITH THE BOWS AND ARROWS EVERYWHERE?
Batman stared at him suspiciously, but the flying idiot (of course) flew over and started chatting and BLAH BLAH BLAH-
“Gandalf? He’s up at the Lonely Mountain with the Dwarves-” The man replied, and the flying idiot looked crestfallen.
Batman glared at him. If they had to travel EVEN FURTHER-
“Da!”
Batman leaped again, but didn’t take out his batarangs this time, because-
“Tilda.” The man replied, and BATMAN TOTALLY DIDN’T SQUEAL, OKAY. NOT EVEN WITH THE LITTLE GIRL BEING SO CUTE AND KINDA LIKE DICK WHEN HE WAS LITTLE AND-
The flying idiot was smiling at him.
Batman GLOWERED at him.
At least even the blonde elf idiot didn’t seem immune to the little girl, and was cooing over her. He even stopped posing and leaping around the rooftops.
But, HAH, the little girl was CLEARLY intelligent, because she wasn’t interested in the blonde elf idiot, INSTEAD, she was looking at him.
EVERYONE LOVED BATMAN.
He preened.
Her father looked amused. “We could take you to the Lonely Mountain, if you wanted? We were going to Dale, anyway.”
“Thank you, King Bard.” The blonde elf idiot said, and of course the flying idiot was falling over himself again, apologising for not realising that he was a King and URGH.
(Batman still thought he looked WAY too similar to the blonde elf.)
(At least he wasn’t a jerk.)
*****
At least it wasn’t far to the Lonely Mountain. And Tilda walked next to him the WHOLE TIME, so he could tell her allllll his awesome stories about Gotham and Dick and Alfred.
He ignored the flying idiot, who was STILL smiling fondly at him.
The blonde elf was sulking. Batman smirked.
The Lonely Mountain (WHO HAD NAMED EVERYTHING HERE????) was a big mountain, big deal, blah blah blah. Apparently dwarves lived inside it.
Stupid Dwarves.
The blonde elf seemed to agree.
WHY was he even still following them? He had been told to take them to Lake-Town, not follow them around, after.
Batman stared at him, suspicious.
Bard offered to take them to the gates of the Lonely Mountain, since apparently Thorin, the Dwarf-King, could be “prickly”.
Batman ignored the look the flying idiot gave him then, and his comment of how he had some practice dealing with prickly types.
What a jerk.
ANYWAY, they reached the Lonely Mountain, blah blah blah, Thorin came out to see them and glowered at them suspiciously, instantly let them in when he saw Tilda, who waved at him.
The flying idiot gave him a significant look.
Batman ignored him. AGAIN.
At least Thorin seemed deeply reluctant to let the blonde elf in.They glared at each other for a long moment-
“Thorin, let Legolas in, for goodness sake.”
It was a hobbit who spoke, and-
IT WAS THE SAME HOBBIT HE HAD SEEN IN THE SHIRE!!!!
“YOU!” Batman yelled, and the hobbit looked at him, smiled and greeted him cheerfully.
“Oh, hello again Mr. Batman! I hope you had a pleasant journey?”
Batman gaped at him. “HOW-” He began, but then Tilda was hugging the hobbit and-
BUT HE HAD BEEN IN THE SHIRE. HOW HAD HE-?
He knew there had been something sneaky and suspicious about that hobbit. Batman was the WORLD'S GREATEST DETECTIVE, AND HE COULD DISCOVER SNEAKINESS EVERYWHERE.
“You know each other?” Thorin asked.
The flying idiot looked confused. GOOD.
“Oh, we met in the Shire a little while ago.” The hobbit replied. Thorin looked at him suspiciously again, before properly inviting them in.
Even the blonde elf.
Unfortunately.
*****
The flying idiot, Thorin and Bard were talking and BLAH BLAH BLAH-
They had some AWESOME caves here, he had to admit it. Maybe he could convince some dwarves to come back with him and help redecorate the Bat-Cave? It would be so COOL, and they looked like they would like HIS SICK BEATS.
Not like the stupid elves.
“-ah, yes, well, there were a few problems. One, in particular.” Thorin said, and he and Bard looked at one another.
The flying idiot looked concerned (of course). Batman ignored them.
He was TOTALLY going to remodel the Bat-Cave when he got back, he decided. There were SO MANY awesome places to pose and blend mysteriously into the shadows here.
HE LOVED IT.
At least until he saw-
“WHAT. THE HECK. IS THAT.”
The others stopped talking.
“Ah, yes, that was... The problem.” Thorin sounded a little sheepish.
It was a dragon. Only... It was small. And cute. AND TINY. And REALLY, REALLY CUTE.
“Is that... Smaug?” The flying idiot asked.
The blonde elf was face palming.
“Rawr!” Tiny Smaug growled.
Tilda giggled, let go of her father’s hand and put her arms around Smaug’s neck. Who PURRED.
Batman stared, then slowly, SLOWLY, turned to look at the flying idiot.
At least he looked astonished, and then embarrassed.
“Are you telling me,” Batman began, “that we travelled across ALL OF MIDDLE-EARTH, for... THIS?”
The flying idiot flinched.
“Um, well...”
“I am afraid that Smaug seems to have suffered some ill-effects from... previous events.”
“WHOWAZAA!” Batman yelled, but it was only Gandalf. Who was okay. He supposed. No where NEAR as cool as Batman, though.
“Blah blah blah,” he continued, “that the effects of being pulled into the Phantom Zone and then out of it, when all the villains were realised, had an... interesting side-effect.”
Everyone turned to look at him.
“What?” Batman demanded. “That wasn’t me. That was... some other Batman.”
They still looked at him.
“The purple one. Or maybe the rainbow one. Who clearly isn’t me.”
They looked at him again.
Gandalf cleared his throat. “In any case, it does seem as though the change is permanent.”
They all stared at Smaug. Who was still purring, and butting his head gently against Tilda.
Thorin cleared his throat. “There is no difficulty in keeping him here, where it is... safe.” He said, after glancing quickly at the hobbit. “Besides, he’s very handy for lighting the forges,” he murmured.
“Thorin!” The hobbit rebuked, and the dwarf flinched.
“Not that... we would use him for that...” Thorin amended, glanced nervously at the hobbit. Bard looked like he was trying not to laugh. The blonde elf was posing again.
Tilda was cooing over Smaug.
Batman glared at the flying idiot.
THIS WAS ALL HIS FAULT.
*****
Then they had to go ALL THE WAY BACK TO THE SHIRE TO GET BACK HOME
At least the flying idiot flew them over Mirkwood this time.
AT LEAST THE BLONDE ELF STOPPED FOLLOWING THEM.
*****
“Padre! You’re back!” Dick greeted him with a flying hug.
Batman allowed it. This once.
The flying idiot was smiling at him again.
Batman ignored it.
“Welcome home, sir. I trust your mission to Middle-Earth was a success?” Alfred asked, appearing from nowhere with his silver tray.
Batman glowered at the flying idiot, who at least still looked abashed.
“What was Middle-Earth like? Did you see any hobbits? Did you see any Elves? Any Ents? Any Dwarves? Did you see Gandalf and Elrond and-!” That was Dick, of course.
“We saw Lord Glorfindel!” The flying idiot replied, then pulled out his autograph, hovering a little again.
“WOW!” Dick gasped, starry eyed with wonder.
Batman stared at them both, lost in the delusions of fanboying. Even Alfred looked impressed.
“Wow!” Dick gasped again. “That is SO COOL. Did you get his autograph too, padre?”
“Uh, Batman doesn’t ASK for autographs, Batman GIVES autographs.”
“Of course you do, sir.”
Batman narrowed his eyes at Alfred. Who just looked back at him blandly. At least Dick and the flying idiot were too busy cooing over the stupid piece of paper to notice.
“Good night, Alfred.” Batman said, then walked away, and he DIDN’T STOMP, okay?
Not that the others even noticed.
*****
It was only when he was in one of the most secret, super hidden and locked and secured rooms of the Cave that he finally, very, very carefully, took out his own autograph and allowed himself to squeal.
He’d finally got Lord Glorfindel’s autograph!
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was that singing??? But not AWESOME songs, like HIS SICK BEATS, but like angels or some other stupid mystical things and-
Only Batman would be like "Oh, the Timeless Music of the Ainur...but does it have SICK BEATS?"
“WHOWAZAA!” He yelled, and tackled it. (But carefully, of course, it was only small, after all.)
HE KNOWS ALL OF THIS STUFF AND IS PRETENDING NOT TO CARE AND IT'S CRACKING ME UP. You capture so well all the little things that are hilarious about the Lego franchise--like, I can so clearly see Batman just consuming his way through a Hobbit feast with improbable foods disappearing whole: lobsters and pies and turkeys and pumpkins...
But it would have been SO MUCH cooler if they had used the Scuttler. They could have listened to his SICK BEATS then, instead of him being forced to listen to the flying idiot going on and on and on...
The image of Batman tearing across Middle Earth in the Scuttler has reduced me to helpless sputtering, it's too hilarious!
The horse looked bored. Batman could relate. Then he realised, HORRIFIED, that he just compared himself to a HORSE.
Batman and Asfaloth bonding over Superman being boring! I can just imagine the little looks they give each other as they roll their eyes...
(At least the flying idiot wasn’t BLONDE. That would be an INSULT on top of EVERYTHING else.)
Now I'm imagining Lego Midnighter/Apollo and that's a... very odd thought. :D
He still moved SUPER FAST though, when it looked like they might get eaten by ENORMOUS EAGLES.
GIANT LEGO EAGLES SWOOPING DOWN ON THEM.
AS IF THE NAME “MIRKWOOD” WASN’T A CLUE.
Even stupid people who weren’t the WORLD'S GREATEST DETECTIVE could work out that it was bad plan.
Oh God, and then he loses his powers and they're stuck there, that's perfect! Batman's increasing exasperation with the naming system of Middle Earth (by the man who tags everything with "bat-"!) was so hilarious as well...
Apparently the blonde elf was the son of the Elf-King. WHO WAS EVEN BLONDER. AND RODE A MOOSE.
I don't know why, but the "EVEN BLONDER" before the final straw of the moose was so perfectly timed...
And then Smaug is all cute and adorable (Thorin suggesting they might use him to light the forges and Bilbo getting huffy at him!) AND BATMAN GOT GLORFINDEL'S AUTOGRAPH. I can't believe you got so many wonderful OTPs in here, it was both hilarious and amazingly satisfying! Thank you so much, I truly feel so lucky to receive this. It was the absolutely perfect mood-lifter!
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I knew I was in trouble when we hit the first “WHOWAZAA!" because that is the BEST SPELLING OF THAT SOUND, and every single time it came up I could SEEE his flaily little motion and hear it and it just cracked me up.
*cackles* I had to include him getting sneaked up on by everyone, and making that funny little sound and flaily motion! :D
Only Batman would be like "Oh, the Timeless Music of the Ainur...but does it have SICK BEATS?"
"Meh, it's okay. Now, let me show them some REAL MUSIC!"
HE KNOWS ALL OF THIS STUFF AND IS PRETENDING NOT TO CARE AND IT'S CRACKING ME UP. You capture so well all the little things that are hilarious about the Lego franchise--like, I can so clearly see Batman just consuming his way through a Hobbit feast with improbable foods disappearing whole: lobsters and pies and turkeys and pumpkins...
AHHHHHHHHH, IT MADE ME LAUGH SO MUCH TO PICTURE IT ALL. Just... Batman in middle-earth is SUCH a wonderful thing, isn't it?
Batman and Asfaloth bonding over Superman being boring! I can just imagine the little looks they give each other as they roll their eyes...
Eeeeheehee! :D
Now I'm imagining Lego Midnighter/Apollo and that's a... very odd thought. :D
Now I want Lego Midnighter and Apollo! That... would be a tricky thing, I suspect...
Oh God, and then he loses his powers and they're stuck there, that's perfect! Batman's increasing exasperation with the naming system of Middle Earth (by the man who tags everything with "bat-"!) was so hilarious as well...
I just loved the image of them wondering around Mirkwood with no clue... And hee, HE WAS SO EXASPERATED WITH HOW EVERYTHING WAS NAMED. (Bat-Mirkwood! :P)
And then Smaug is all cute and adorable (Thorin suggesting they might use him to light the forges and Bilbo getting huffy at him!)
Tiny little cute Smaug! I wish I could draw him...
AND BATMAN GOT GLORFINDEL'S AUTOGRAPH. I can't believe you got so many wonderful OTPs in here, it was both hilarious and amazingly satisfying!
Ahhh, I was so pleased I was able to get lots of the OTP's in, I didn't think I would! And Batman got Glorfindel's autograph! *giggles*
Ahhhh, this was just SO MUCH fun to write, I'm so glad you liked it too! :D